it's over?

i've thought a lot in the recent past about intimate moments i'd like to scandalize by sharing them with the internet, but more often than a not i've thought better of it.

last night i watched 'ciudad de deus', and it was disturbing. in order to put my mind at ease, i read 'the road' by cormac mccarthy. not a good choice. i laid awake under the covers into the wee hours of the night thinking how nice it would be for someone to hold me and tell me how foolish the concept of armageddon really was. wolves don't really push your doors in, right? it's just elk and grizzly bears...

it hit like a mallet over the head last week that i am a phd candidate and that i am supposed to be having Important, Serious thoughts, although am simultaneously incapable of registering for classes that will teach me anything worthwhile.

my dad asked me, on the phone, if there was anything i wanted from southern california. like a flare in the dark, it occurred to me. i want my old life back. but that can't be true, right?

haven't stopped fighting, but my foes are looming on the horizon. fuck you, fuck me, fuck bloomington, fuck the past, fuck expectations.

can't beat me yet.

last entry posted 18 weeks ago/ concentration camp beauty pageant? take that, dream dictionary

can you guess what i dreamed about last night?


To dream that you have long hair, indicates that you are thinking long and carefully before making some decision. You are concentrating on some plan or situation.

To dream that you are at the salon, indicates your consciousness of your appearance and beauty. You may be trying too hard to impress others. It may also suggests deception and cover-up of some situation. Alternatively, it may denote a new outlook toward life.

To dream that someone is giving you a haircut, suggests that you are experiencing a decreased sense of power. You may feel that you were criticized unfairly.

To dream that you are washing dishes, suggests that you are moving on and planning for the next thing that comes your way. Alternatively, it represents your daily routine. Perhaps you are in a rut.

To see roses blooming in your dream, signifies faithfulness in love and the arrival of a much joyous occasion. Roses also symbolize love, passion, femininity, and romance, particularly if they are red roses.

Beauty Pageant 
To watch or dream that you are in a beauty pageant, refers to your own insecurities about your appearances. You are constantly comparing yourself to others and how you measure up to them. You may also be subscribing to society's standards of beauty.

Concentration Camp 
To see or live in a concentration camp in your dream, indicates that you are afraid of differences. You are having difficulties accepting others and their differences. Learn to appreciate diversity and the uniqueness in yourself and in others around you. If you actually lived in a concentration camp, the dream may signify a situation in your waking life which is triggering similar feelings felt at the time.

i'm so sure that i'm an island

i was so spaced out this morning i got lost twice on my way to vons, the store at which i purchase my lunch nine out of ten working days.

i left work early yesterday, after bawling my eyes out at my farewell luncheon, still not feeling too great after the allergy debacle of the day before. i got absurdly tired on the drive home, and essentially crawled into bed as soon as i got to south park. i regained consciousness around 5 p.m., feeling a lot better. i should take naps all day every day. MMMM.

i spend the evening organizing camping stuffs, which was good, since i realized i'm missing some key components, like a pillow or a water bottle!

i'm off work early again (still have some personal time to burn through) to take oksana's clothes to the buffalo exchange. she can't handle the judging at the exchange table. at least i have the strength to sit there and be indignant while they judge.


i dreamed about raking a field, which wound up being a farewell activity as well, and just about everyone i knew in san diego showed up. i was focused on andrey, who was sitting next to me, and natasha (part of my russian family), who sat on the other side asking me questions about nasal spray.

singing the sound that you found for me

yesterday was a dramatic start to my final working week. at the end of my most productive day ever, i was informed that i had not only missed a deadline for a newsletter article, but that i had in fact completely forgotten that i was assigned the article, even forgotten the meeting at which it was assigned. it has happened in the past, that i've blacked out conversations or events, but usually some form of alcohol is involved. anyways, i threw a tantrum! i could not conceive of how i was going to finish the article on top of all the other projects i had to finish by friday, and i let the department know it. end result: AWESOME! i got my hardest project, the new and improved GIS software grant, reassigned to someone else, and now i can work on the article (which in truth i enjoy doing a lot). moral? be selfish more often.

THEN, it was off to a fancy-pants restaurant for oksana's birthday. the food was INCREDIBLE - each dish was as delicious as i could imagine food being. i stuffed my belly with pleasure, until the final course, a dish of cheeses and preserves. i only nibbled on this, having already tanked up on: mushroom over puff pastry, bean salad, pastrami slices, candied walnut/blueberry vinagrette salad, lemon sherbet, and mushroom orzo. this wound up being a good thing, because i wound up having an allergic reaction as we left the restaurant, which i can only assume came from this last dish. it had been so many years since i had reacted to food this way, i was beginning to think i had simply made up my cherry allergy, but there you go. i'm just good at avoiding cherries, i guess, or it's certain kinds of fancy-pants cherries, or something similar.

NEXT, i came home to my mom crying on the phone. her best friend cindy, who had been on a mule-back tour of the grand canyon, had been in an accident. her mule had fallen over the side of the trail and fallen 12 feet, on top of cindy. despite a broken neck, broken shoulder, two broken ribs, and a leg broken in two places, she was still enough of herself to remind my mom to buy cat food and take care of the horses. my mom is off to cindy's hospital in flagstaff today, and i will pick her up on sunday on our way to new mexico.

eventful, no? this morning i feel like i've been run over by a steamroller, but otherwise dapper. there's a not-so-secret going away luncheon for me today, put on by my coworkers, and then me trying to insanely finish up my final assignment in drawing class.


i'm elvis prestley in the 70s

it felt like a good, long weekend. not TOO too productive, as i spent most of it sleeping. when awake, i was prepping my camping gear, actively not drawing, and getting in a lot of QT with my parents.

last night in drawing class i was zooming - i only have until wednesday to finish my last assignment. it was kind of liberating to not think so hard about where all my charcoal was going. the picture is looking good, but not as polished.

i should mention that, after some strange science experiments involving bleach, my mad-scientist-oksana has given me highlights. i look so southern california it makes me sick.

i been drinkin' all night long

yesterday was my first going-away luncheon (apparently i'm special enough to get two - or at least popular enough to have people not confer over luncheons they're planning). we went to a really popular pho restaurant. it was packed and noisy, and we were packed and noisy, too. it felt like a personal slice of heaven - to be completely surrounded by happy, jostling people, and then even more surrounded by good food and people dear to me.

the afternoon was a wash after that - i spent most of it just chatting with patrick and kelly. i will miss having them there to answer all my most random questions. after i left non-work i went to the student art show gallery opening with andrey. i was surprised by what a huge deal it was - an intense crowd of people, and the gallery was really tastefully done. it felt surreal to have my little pear on display and having all these people looking at it. we ran into a bunch of folks from my class (but not beka or elizabeth - sadness!), and even tracye, another one of my very favorite volunteers.

we made a quick exit, since my self-conscious level had peaked, and headed to cruisin' grand, a friday night tradition in escondido. basically they block off the main drag of escondido's small-town downtown store fronts and everyone with a cool car brings it and shows it off. i'd never been - and now i regret not doing it all the time. it was great to see escondido displayed as such a vibrant community - also great to see san diego's (apparently) only professional elvis impersonator.

we had dinner at a wine bar (a first for me) and ordered little plates of cheese/figs and salumi/cheese (another first) along with a bottle of syrah. so that was fun, too! by the time we left, though, the show was over and people were driving away.

anyways, this morning i'm having a stimulus overload - i'm glad i stuck with my plans and didn't cancel anything, because the last couple of days have been incredible, but i'm dragging.

don't say you'll stay after the last time

this morning had a pleasant sort of summer-y, muggy haze surrounding it - the pleasant dream of more humid, disgusting summers elsewhere in the country. it made me feel like today was the beginning of it all, everything that i am doing and changing and being starting this summer. today is the beginning of my biggest, most epic adventure.

and it started with a lovely good-bye. i had another fabulous date with chris last night - more low key than last time. we went out for a movie, bought burritos and ate them at his place, watching a comedian on his computer, then talking and being silly until the wee hours of the morning. when i woke up, my heart felt the goodbye i didn't really want to say.

my weird little romance - never a relationship, never a friendship, just a pattern of dating beginning on my birthday in december. half the time i resented him, half the time i forgot about him, and the third half of the time i was deeply entranced with him. it ends with me entranced, but ready to go.

best ending ever?

it only took one shot

two nights of sleeping well - SHOCKER!

i have the distinct sensation that i don't want to go on my date with chris tonight. at first i was puzzled, but then i figured it out.

i don't want to hang out with andrey tomorrow, i don't want to go to the grand prix with mom on saturday, and i'm trying to find ways to get needed stuff done while spending time with dad on sunday. it's stress, rearing its ugly head.

i want to curl up and make it all go away for a while, but i don't have that luxury. maybe i never do. it may have stemmed from the discussion i had with my art instructor last night, forcing me to confront just how much of my last regular assignment and how much of my final project i could possibly complete by next wednesday. as it stands, i'm missing out on two of the studio periods allowed for the last assignment, and certainly have no time ever to complete the massive undertaking that is my final project. fortunately diane is one of those favorite-choosers, and over the course of the semester i have become a favorite. she's going to give me a lot of leeway.

anyhow, onward and upward. there's STUFF that needs doing!

there's a saying...

i'm feeling great this morning after finally getting a decent amount of sleep. it took a lot of effort to force myself to go into shutdown around 9 p.m., and even then i had to fight off attempts from my mom to keep me conscious. really, it wasn't all that hard, since i'd only gotten four hours the night before, but still. ridiculous how hard it is to maintain a private schedule when living with others.

i'm coming to grips with the fact that i will never finish my final project for drawing class by the time i leave. also coming to grips with the fact that this is the tenth day before leaving comes.

i can feel myself slowly sinking into a panic. breathing is good.